What are the hidden roots of his anger?

Hidden roots of passive aggressive anger

So many times you don't know why he is so angry...and it is not you!

http://passiveaggressivehusband.com/hidden-roots-of-passive-aggressive-anger/

IS IT TRUE THAT YOU ARE IN A PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE MARRIAGE?

Being married to a passive aggressive person is not fun, but a lot of hurt...And we have prepared a book to help you make the decisions necessary to recover control of your self-esteem.

RECOVERING FROM PASSIVE AGGRESSION IS HERE:

http://passiveaggresive.com/

This e-book explains the intricate dance involved in living or working with a passive aggressive person and offers useful solutions to dealing with difficult situations as they arise.

You will be guided through positive conflict management strategies that are applicable to your current situation. You will be offered tips for adjusting the influence your partner has in your relationship. You will begin to identify the messages your partner is sending regarding his personal motivations and deep-rooted fears, and you will understand how to cope with various lifestyle changes. You will finally know - once and for all - how to break the passive aggressive spell using some ideas from positive conflict resolution. As you implement new techniques you will see a gradual change in your life. Your partner will respond to you differently. You will both see an increased happiness and value in your relationship..

GET MORE INFO AT http://passiveaggresive.com/

Do you know our books about managing pasive aggression?

Hi,

we are offering now a new resource, where you can see ALL of our books on one place!

Loved this popular book? you can have more information, presented in a clear format, about personal issues and relationships, published by Creative Conflict Resolutions!

Here, for instance, is the series on passive aggression:

http://creativeconflictresolutions.com/kindle-publications/passive-aggression-series/

And here is the emotional abuse series of Kindle books:

http://creativeconflictresolutions.com/kindle-publications/emotional-abuse/

The "4 Steps to FREE Your Marriage of Passive Aggression” Program is Here!

EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT PASSIVE AGGRESSION AT HOME

http://alfaprimalm.hubpages.com/hub/how-to-survive-a-passive-aggressive-marriage

OF COURSE, YOU CAN ALWAYS ASK US:

Neil Warner
neil@passiveaggresive.com

MANUAL TO SURVIVE IN A PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE MARRIAGE

I.- Why Women Take The Passive Aggressive Test?

When a husband shuts down, and isolates his wife from the most basic decision making conversation at home, a big black hole opens...she is dazzled, confused and left out. What is going on? who is to blame for the cold shoulder? why we can’t share anything?

Studying the results from our free passive aggressive behavior test I realised that many women were taking the test targeted towards men. And at the same time, It was even more surprising to receive letters from these same women, sharing with us what they wanted to achieve by taking this test.

As it happens, wives are taking the test in place of their husbands…using her husband's frequent responses, so she can play the game of being him for the test and receive the answer to the question:

“Can his behaviour be consider as “Passive aggressive behavior”?

Why are they doing this?

• Because there is a huge need to learn what is going on when communication with the husband breaks down!
• In the midst of confusion, isolation and frustration because they can’t have a normal conversation, they are searching for answers...
• Because being able to identify this situation and to name it can be liberating and healing, and they can plan for solutions.

For example today, someone sent us an email with this subject:“My epiphany day!”

“Actually, I just did the test, in the way that i see my husband. Been married nearly 38 years. I’ve been reading on your site, and what a HUGE revelation. I’ve always seen him as passive aggressive, even though i really didn’t know the definitive meaning of that word; but just the sounds of it, fits him. I’ve always seen him as Mr. Saboteur; did a lot of reading today..OMG…it hasn’t been my imagination; it explains almost everything. In so many ways, I have seen that I married a man who is still emotionally a child.

But I have figured out enough, finally, that this is not because of me; this is his problem; I was always told that everything is my problem and that I’m ungrateful…on and on the story goes.

But reading the test results today, it feels like the veil has been lifted from my eyes; mainly that there really is a name for this behavior…”

So many women are are using the test as a tool to validate their own perceptions!

And in this process, they are having  their own “Epiphany Day”!

What are the three benefits of this epiphany?

• You stop your confusion and are out of the brain fog;
• You stop blaming yourself;
• You learn how to detach from his behaviors!

And, last but not least, you can recover your brain power: the power of your ideas: the power of thinking clearly, and of trusting your brain again as able to follow your life mission.

Having such epiphany is good, but it’s very frightening if you don’t know what you are going to do with this information:

For example you can:

• Use this information to kick the table off;
• Use this new info as a permission to fight back;
• Use this power to redefine the rules of the game.

But acting on this information without careful consideration can backfire and hurt you more than the current situation..

This is why we are here to help you see the next steps.

We will be waiting for your comments…meanwhile, you too can take the test, use what you know about your husband’s motivations to do what he usually does when answering the questions, and get the response you need so much.

Go ahead, take the passive aggressive test....we will be waiting for you here!

II.- Four Ways of Understanding Passive Aggressive Behaviors

When you are just beginning to discover that you are in such a painful situation you don’t have a name for it, but you feel isolated, ignored and left out of your man’s intimacy, you are taking the first step in recovering some sense of reality in your life.

Sick and tired of evasive responses? of promises that are only words? of being subjected to a prolonged silent treatment when you ask for clarification? of being in a fog concerning the status of your relationship, just “being there”? You need a map to sort out this perplexing  territory in which you find yourself submerged now...

Here is a short list of indicators to help you sort out what is going on:

A.- The Hidden Anger aspect:

People displaying passive aggressive behavior carry a lot of repressed anger from their childhood, now projected on the people around them. It appears as sarcastic comments, always negative opinions and blaming other people for their own shortcomings. Whatever you say, propose or share with him, will be framed in the worst possible way, as “another of your delusions,” “only you can imagine this idea working,” “such a silly idea, who would listen to it,” or “it will be too costly, too slow, too complicated, etc, to be able to succeed”

Now, you have a brave decision to make, and it is: when you look at any annoying negative behavior, see it as "a behavior done with direct impact on me". In other words: Those negative, discouraging words are directed to you...and to your ideas, projects or proposals. If he is the final arbiter of what you can do with your energies and creativity, he is always in control of your future, and that is what is at stake here: control.

Of course you would be upset when you discover this interaction! why would he discourage you and your ideas, and reduce you to the status of a child, who needs to ask for his permission? What in hell is he doing here, putting you down systematically: Isn’t he supposed to be your support and first admirer?

When you are coming to this realization, you need to identify your own emotions: is it anger? or sadness? or disappointment? a mix of all together? and remain calm and poised. Even when this discovery can make you angry, now is the time to respond in a different way...

Don't let him get the best of you. Control your own breathing, and your thoughts, so you don’t run to confront him. Passive aggressive people begin to win when the shouting starts and you become defensive and angry at their inconsiderate behavior.

Refusing to talk clearly with you plays a part in passive aggression, so you need to expect some degree of silence covering up his real intentions behind the negative comments expressed in a casual way, or his procrastinating behavior.

Instead, describe his behavior, and then talk about how it creates a problem. For instance, you might say, "When we are discussing something and you make a sarcastic remark, it blocks my desire to continue the conversation and then I'm not able to tell you what you're really asking. It would be helpful to me if you would tell me directly what is bothering you. That way, I can respond and perhaps we can even make things better."

It's very important to become aware of your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors provoked by the reticent silence of passive aggression. Even if you ask for direct talk, you still could get denial or silence as your response, and this can be progressively aggravating you. This is exactly the purpose of the behavior, so if you react, he feels that he is controlling you.

B.- The Insecurity aspect

How can you manage this behavior? It appears as manipulation, describing things differently according to the recipient, backstabbing and in general not owning their problematic behavior.

Passive aggressive persons feel that they are the victims, and that their behavior is rational because it is done in self-defense. Why? because they are still defending themselves from a primary caregiver, from childhood, who could be too controlling, imposing or demeaning. Now, in their insecure mindset, they believe that everybody arounds them behaves in the same way as their primary caregiver, but now they can defend themselves. And defend they do, applying to you the same treatment they received when growing up.

Confronting this behavior in a firm but caring way, with some proof (perhaps keeping a journal of what was promised or said to you) is necessary. Is like teaching them to distinguish between other person and you:

“See? I’m not your mother, leaving you in the hands of other people without explanation...I have told you where I need to go, the time of my visit and whatever else is there. What new piece of information would make you feel more secure? Because I’m not your mother, I will be coming back...”

C.- The Failure of Appreciation Aspect

Because they got either an insecure or an avoidant mindset while growing up, both giving them a bleak and unpromising view of the world, and of relationships,  people doing passive aggression can’t see life as a “half full glass” proposition.

If there is a way to describe their situation as negative, they will exploit every part of reality able to be construed as a miserable situation. It’s not that they love piling up misery after misery, rejection after rejection! It is because they can’t see anything positive, and positive aspects will be thoroughly ignored or rejected. Of course, their misery is never their fault, and probably you or someone else needs to be blamed….

To face this specially depressing behavior, you need to be sure of your own accomplishments, and be proud of them, before they are cancelled by the “misery framing.” Find a way of reminding yourself of how good you are, before it’s too late and you begin to accept the misery framing and see yourself as worthless.

Always remember not to let this person steal your joy and make you believe you are not a good person, only because he feels miserable and therefore he sees the world’s worst aspects only. Stay focused on the things that matter to you the most, and give up the pretense of being able to change his anxious or avoidant mindset.by yourself. His mindset is his most identity-determining

D.- The Fear of Life Aspect:

It goes hand on hand with their mindset containing a general lack of trust on others. Passive Aggressive persons having had anxious or avoidant attachments never experienced the necessary level of interpersonal trust that makes us feel safe and contained.

As their mindset tells them to be defensive, they avoid confiding in relatives or friends, just because they assume that others are not worthy of their trust, thus behaving with suspicion, which makes other people act with prevention, which in turn fulfills the prophecy. As a result of this way of thinking, other people (including you) are less deserving of love and appreciation, don’t deserve respect and then can be ignored with impunity.

You need to deal with this aspect by generating your own circle of friends or relatives, sharing your values, who will confirm what you believe is true. Be persistent in taking care of what you value, so you can receive confirmation from your own trusted sources of appreciation. Write in your journal, read books about your life mission and what gives it value and be persisting in affirming that you are a wonderful person worthy of appreciation.

III.-Basic Response to a Passive Aggressive Partner:

It is important that you realize that cultivating the right attitude will save you a lot of anguish and pain. This is a mindset that was developed way before you met this person, and that will continue operating until the owner decides to change himself. You are not the person in charge of changing him, or healing him, and the more you respect his mindset as the way he sees life, the better for you is.

If you find yourself in this kind of relationship, even when he was behaving as attentive, responsive and loving before, the first step is to accept this reality. Tell yourself:

“For some reason I can’t know or change, he has reverted to his old childhood mindset, where he sees the whole world (and me) as abandoning, frustrating and in general rejecting him. It’s very sad that his brain has decided to see the world from this perspective, but it is his responsibility to face this challenge and change his perspective.Meanwhile he decides to have a real, vibrant and loving relationship with me, I need to protect my brain and my heart.”

How do you protect yourself?

By doing a profound detachment from your emotional investment in the relationship:

Don’t expect or want anything important, fundamental, or vital from Passive Aggressive people, at least at the beginning. As much detached you can be from the final outcome of any shared project, the more protected you are from manipulations that would disappoint you.

You can count on your own resources, but do not depend on the Passive Aggressive person for financial, emotional or companionship issues. If you could get severely hurt if disappointed, this is the weak point where you are going to be hit.

Now, this looks like a lot of work, right? Indeed, it is. But remember, you want to keep your head clear and your self-esteem intact, at the same time navigating one of the most difficult relationships in life as it is having an intimate relationship with a Passive Aggressive person.

Perhaps getting in touch with other people dealing with this challenge could help a lot. You need to find your own support at this moment in your life, where you are locked out of any significant conversations with your loved one. It is particularly vexing after so many years of marriage that you can find yourself isolated by that fog of silence that leaves you mystified and very lonely...so you need to be actively watching around your environment to discover people who can become good friends or activity partners. Perhaps getting some external help for your passive aggressive husband can be the right decision now.

See you soon with the second part of this report!

Neil Warner
Creative Conflict Resolutions
http://passiveaggressivehusband.com

How to Stop a Narcissist Husband?

How come a narcissistic person gets to marry? because he needs an audience! Beyond this joke, there is a truth: some people need others to be constantly around them and when they get a friend, or a lover, they monopolize all the attention on themselves...Here is the post:





How to Stop a Narcissist Husband?